La Croix: The ‘Le Croy’ vs. ‘Lé Kwa’ Debate


L A  C R O I X.  A delicious sparkling water, essenced with natural scrumptious flavors like grapefruit, mango and cherry-lime. It is a staple in my household used to consecrate almost any occasion; a  birthday, a birth, a briss, a funeral, or even the successful building of a wooden idol!  It holds a special place in the hearts of all those who have had the pleasure of pouring this fluid into their orifices. However, there is a darker side to the beverage that has divided fans of the exquisite party juice since its creation: No one knows how to pronounce it!

One party believes that the correct pronunciation is ‘Le-croy’. In 2010,  these advocates formed their own political faction called, “The Croy Boys”. The Croy Boys have been known to hold rallies outside the La Croix manufacturing facility and picket near events like soldier funerals.

Andrew Daniels, president of the Croy Boys, yells out over a crowd of about twelve followers, “Give me Le-Croy, or give me death” There is a clap from a member of the audience.

The other side believes the pronunciation to be ‘Le-Kwa’ and out of the Croy Boys wake, the ‘Kwa-Gon Jinns’ were born. Apparently there is a big crossover between Le-Kwa fanatics and fans of the Star Wars prequel trilogy. They primarily live on internet chatrooms but will often come out to picket the Croy Boys picketing events.

A passerby to one of these events noted, “I’m kind of confused as to who is against what, they’re all mixed together. Regardless, a soldier’s funeral is no place for a protest.”

Unlike Andrew Daniels, the president of the ‘Kwa-Gon Jinns’ remains anonymous, preferring to be referred to by his internet handle, TheRealBenStiller01. At events, he dawns a Guy Faux mask.

Since the formation of both groups, they have called for Nick A. Caporella, Founder and CEO of National Beverage Corp. to speak out on the issue. He has continually refused to speak on the issue for fear of a soda-proletariat uprising.

“I have no comment”, commented Caporella.

For all we know Caporella might take this secret to his grave. A selfish decision, I would agree, but it is his to make.

Regardless of where you stand on the issue, we should all come together around the delicious sparkly goodness that is La Croix. Be it a graduation or a an idol burning, La Croix was meant to bring us together not apart.


— Diet Dr. Phil